to put revelations into black and white words.

did I ever mention how I admire people who can and love writing? Not just because they have a passion/dream, but partly also because I always admire their abilities to put irrational, intangible pieces of thoughts and emotions into words. what's more, so aptly put, that I am always so exhilarated to read them.

(and perhaps a tinge of sorrow that I do not fall into that category.)

I think that that was how I began to fall in love with English eventually. I had once felt much more affinity towards Chinese (as mentioned before in one of those posts), but slowly, the feeling that English seems to be able to better express deep and complicated emotions through those unique words sort of struck me. And so now here I am, awed by fellow good English writers who enlighten me, or express my heartfelt sentiments so delicately every now and then.

So today was one of those days, and I have bits of reflections here and there. First of all I guess we are all tired, from work and perhaps some family problems. Especially those (us) who are amateurs in the workforce, and are still trying to adapt to the everyday emotion roller coaster ride. It's hectic, it's hard, it's tough. It's depressing, it's demoralizing, it's soul-breaking. To go through a whole new cycle (possibly) each month, week, or even day. How we survive, I don't know. I guess we are still managing and getting used to the new situations.

Yeah, recently we love to joke about how teachers have no life. That aside, I don't deny that there are still beautiful moments though, and we still pull through somehow. Some days are just meant to be spent in a blur, when we sit in a pool of emo shit, or becoming flustered and paranoid over the simplest matter. It's a cycle as I've always emphasized, but something I read today truly stroke me and gave me a revelation.

That the very fact that we ourselves are usually the ones who pull ourselves back up. That as much as we dreamed for, hoped for, longed for that very soulmate who has extraordinary emotional telepathy with us (yeah that's right I could never come up with apt phrases like this, try figure out who is the awesome writer), we are very much often disappointed in the end, as we realize that there may never be such a person who exists after all. We are, after all, individual entities with whole complicated set of minds, and who have been through hundreds and thousands of different childhood. It is already more than enough to ask for someone to understand, lest say empathize with you completely. We never really know what is going on in each other's mind, and perhaps that is also the harsh reality when even the most intimate couples can never be "as one". Perhaps there are a few in this whole wide world, but chances are there will always be a gap between one another.

Which is why when we are in one of those moody days, it mostly turns out that we have to seek solace in ourselves. The best you can get from others is words of comfort, and to be honest for me, most of those shitty days when I'm really down/broken, I am usually too shag and emotionally stretched that I can't even find the strength/energy to utter another sentence to anyone else. So back to my point, this is also some kind of extended reflection/revelation from the previous post. I guess that asides from just knowing that the bad days are only temporary downfalls, deep down inside I might just acknowledge the real and true reason behind the choice of sparing others from all my emo shit --- that I had already/subconsciously realized that it is quite impossible to find that soulmate with amazing telepathy skills. Maybe that is what led me to avoid long lengthy sharing sessions, because I'm actually afraid, or better said tired, of the countless disappointment each sharing session had brought about. And that sinking feeling from each confrontation, with dreams bursting in bubbles one by one when it slowly hits you that the soul mate with amazing empathy doesn't exist.

Don't get too worked up over that seemingly depressing statement if you are beginning to be. Try to think objectively, or maybe from your own point of view: How can you expect something when you yourself can't even achieve/give? For one, I can't even understand myself sometimes, lest say completely feeling the same way as someone do. The very best you can get is complete acknowledgement and love. That's all very good, but another identical brain? I guess not!

(I also suddenly thought of this that reflects extremely well of what I've reflected: Whenever we meet a problem, regardless of how big or small, we are eventually the ones who have to deal with the problem ourselves. Not our friends, not our family, since they are usually not involved, and would not have totally understood since they did not witness it first-hand. They can proffer you strength, provide you with solutions, but they cannot really stand in for you completely. In the end you are the only one who goes through all the emotional up heaves, which ultimately becomes your unique life experiences.)

So ending this lengthy post soon, it all boils down to us eventually. Keep holding on, and keep believing. Something I thought was so true from a drama show I watched today (though a bit off track from what I've just said): 时间终究会愈合所有的伤痛. Cliche, but suddenly very meaningful. Oh, and I thought this was worth thinking about too:

"And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

---The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho.