i'd sleep normally like everyone else do, wake up late into the afternoon and unsurprisingly still able to will myself to sleep a few hours later, only to wake up feeling indifferent to my parent's naggings and my inner self conscious. that tells me i'm living like worse than a pig and it's time to buck up seriously, because this is really the last lap and you've worked so hard and this is the moment.

i don't really think that im burning out though, you know.

from what i observe/my inner self-conscious tells me, i can do way way way, better than this. back to that primary 6 moment when everything i did was study and all i cared was to reach my goals and score a perfect score.

but no, no matter how many times my inner self tells me that this is the last lap and that i should start panicking for all my lousy subjects and not-very-excellent-subjects, i still wake to drowsiness and indifference.

and everything in the previous night turns into this numbness and...hatred.

probably at myself.

but i think i know the reason. it's not burnout phase, it's not.

instead i'm starting to believe that it's because im starting to lose all my emotions, once and for all.

it (kind of) worries me that i can actually no longer feel passion, or (even) love, for the world's beautiful things. although a huge part of me still believe that they're out there.

but. i don't know why, but i think each time i will myself to sleep, im trying to escape from this screwed up world and society of ours. from all the misshapen and unfortunate.

each time i wake up, i fear living and hence i force myself to sleep, once again, falling into the deep slumbers.

GOD what has happened to me. i think i've become too philosophical and reality is harsh.

it's kind of really frightening, you know.

i need to find back my younger self when everything was at the peak. when i was always full of optimism to myself and such. not that im not now, you know. it's just that, i feel im being optimistic to everyone. except for myself.

this ain't healthy.

okay i think i need to embark on a healthier lifestyle, once and for all, while there's still 2+weeks left to everything.

sighhh.

and im afraid i'll bemoan the time lost.

i hate this part of me.

BYE. off to do csc essay. hopefully, 我不会再如此病态地睡下去。

(i think im rather influenced by 莫醒醒. “累了，让我继续睡。”

(edit: okay i think i was too pessimistic suddenly. ha ha im not that serious til i cant feel passion or love i think. im just, unable to translate those feelings into real actions. anyway. wanted to share a video. once again, i was gaping in awe looking at the magical movements across black and white keys)